The Doorstep
The Doorstep is a two-part sketch in Season 1 Episode 1 of Studio C. Summary (from YouTube) Part 1 The awkward doorstep scene from a guy's perspective. Part 2 The awkward doorstep scene from a girl's perspective. Transcript Part 1 {Mallory & Matt are walking up to the doorstep. Matt's voice-over is heard.} MATT (V/O): Okay, okay. It's the end of the date & here comes the doorstep. Don't panic. You practiced this a hundred times with your roommates. Oh man! It looks like she's heading straight for the door without even saying good night! Don't let her go inside! Quick! Throw something at her face! {Matt picks up a large rock. Just as Mallory starts to turn around, he quickly throws the rock away.} MATT (V/O): {continued} Oh, she's turning around now. You're good. You're good. MALLORY: Well, this is me. MATT (V/O): Okay, now puff out your chest ever so slightly. You're strong. Remember, you cranked out fourteen push-ups before this date, & you only blacked out for a second. MALLORY: Well, I had a really nice time tonight, Matt. MATT (V/O): Yeah, you did. MALLORY: We should definitely do this again sometime. MATT (V/O): Yeah! Daddy's got game! MATT: Yeah, that'd be cool. MALLORY: Yeah, maybe next time we could double with your roommates or something. MATT (V/O): I knew you were eyeing my roommates, you frothy tart! MATT: Uh, that'd be awesome, although one of them is really busy & the other one is... dying. MALLORY: Oh wow, that's awful! MATT (V/O): Why are you lying?! Quick, change the subject! MATT: So, that darn economy, huh? {Mallory pulls out from her handbag her keys & starts jingling them.} MATT (V/O): Oh my goodness! She's playing with her keys, just like in the movie Hitch! Will Smith said that means she wants to kiss you. Wait, is that different for white people? {Mallory continues to jingle her keys} MATT (V/O): 'Oh, what luck! Her hair's blocking her face! Gently brush it out of the way... you're as smooth as silk, Maverick. Man, I wish people would call me Maverick. Okay, now lean in slowly... oooohhh no, I forgot to check my breath! Back away slowly. She didn't even notice. Way to go, Mav. {''Stephen and Natalie enter, returning from their date} 'MATT (V/O): '''Oh, whoa, whoa, why are people coming up to the door? This is so awkward! {''He wrings his hands} I don't know what to do with my hands... {He crosses his hands over his chest} Yeah, this feels natural. {Awkward silence} '''MALLORY: Uh, hey, Natalie. NATALIE: Hey. MALLORY: Matt, this is my roommate, Natalie. NATALIE: '''Hi. '''MALLORY: And this is... NATALIE: '''Oh, this is Stephen. We just got back from the movie theater. '''STEPHEN: Yeah, that's pretty awesome that we showed up at the exact same time. {Stephen and Matt stare at each other} MATT (V/O): Oh, I am not moving. If this guy thinks he's edging me out of my good night, he is wrong. Look him in the eyes. {They glare at each other. Matt's stare is intense enough to make Stephen back away} Yeah, he knows. He knows. STEPHEN: Well, I had a fun time, Natalie. NATALIE: Yeah, sure. {Stephen moves in for a hug, but Natalie raises her hand to shake. She then pats his head. He walks off.} MATT (V/O): Loser. MATT: So nice to meet you, Natalie. {They shake hands} NATALIE: Yeah, it's nice to meet you too. Ooh, I think I feel a chill. I'll head inside. {She goes inside, leaving Matt and Mal alone} MALLORY: So sorry about that. MATT (V/O): Yeah yeah yeah, and we're back. Hold the eye contact. Now give her a sincere compliment. Tell her you like her... MATT: I like your... MATT (V/O): Say something. Oh please, say something. Compliment her shoes, {Matt looks down at Mal's shoes} oh, never mind. Just say something! MATT: -ope! I like Europe... in the spring. MATT (V/O): You are an idiot. MALLORY: Oh, you're kidding! I do too. I lived there for a year, and the spring is breathtaking. MATT (V/O): NEVER MIND! {Mallory continues to talk unnoticed, Matt sings the Top Gun theme song in his head.} Wait, is she still talking? MALLORY: Have you? MATT: ...Yyeeess... MALLORY: Wow, you're an interesting guy, Matt. MATT (V/O): Interesting, good; or interesting like a mental illness? Oh man, everything's falling apart. Just kiss her. Now! Force the eye contact! {He suddenly looks at Mallory} MALLORY: Ah! MATT (V/O): 'Okay, now move in slowly, like you're creeping up on a gazelle, no, a sleeping baby. No! Don't picture her as a sleeping baby right now. That is every kind of wrong. Oh, what is happening? I can't feel my legs, yeah, I'm blacking out again. {''He collapses}. Part 2 '''MALLORY (V/O): Ah, the doorstep. This part of the night always makes me so nervous & sweaty. What is that? Oh my gosh, I have something in my teeth. Holy nasty, what is that? {Matt picks up a rock & tosses it away as she turns around} Just stay calm, put it in your pocket, where it will probably grow babies. MALLORY: Well, this is me. MALLORY (V/O): Uh, what is he doing with his chest? MALLORY: Well, I had a really nice night tonight, Matt. We should definitely do this again sometime. MATT: Yeah, that'd be cool. MALLORY: Yeah, maybe next time we could double with one of your roommates or something. MALLORY (V/O): Specifically the hot one. MATT: Ah, that would be awesome, although one of them is really busy, & the other one is... dying. MALLORY: Oh, wow, that's awful. MALLORY (V/O): Especially if it's the hot one. He's too hot to die. Unless he dies from heat stroke. (Does a rimshot.) MATT: So, that darn economy, huh? MALLORY (V/O): Ah, look at him, grasping at straws. So cute. Let's kiss. Come here, boy! {She whistles & jingles her keys} Okay, he's obviously still confused. Do something flirtatious. Coyly put your hair in front of your face so he can brush it away. {She shakes her head to get some hair over her face. He brushes it away.} Nicely done. Okay, he's coming in now. Remember, he goes 90, you go 10, just like in the movie Hitch. Wait, is that different for white people? Oh, he's backing off. Uh, just turn this into a body roll. Yeah, fifth-grade hip-hop lessons really paying off now! {Natalie & Stephen enter} Oh no, what are Natalie & her munchkin doing here? Oh, look what it's done to Matt. He looks like a sad mute waiting to be buried. MALLORY: Hey Natalie. NATALIE: Hey. MALLORY: Uh, Matt, this is my roommate, Natalie. NATALIE: Hi. MALLORY: And this is...? NATALIE: '''Oh, this is Stephen. We just got back from the movie theater. '''STEPHEN: Yeah, that's pretty awesome that we got back at the exact same time. MALLORY (V/O): Oh, this is so awkward. I was more comfortable that time I tripped on a homeless man & fell into his pile of dirty blankets. What was on those? STEPHEN: Well, I had a fun time, Natalie. NATALIE: Yeah, sure. {Stephen moves in for a hug, but Natalie raises her hand to shake. She then pats his head. He walks off.} MALLORY (V/O): Loser. MATT: So nice to meet you, Natalie. {They shake hands} NATALIE: Yeah, it's nice to meet you too. MALLORY (V/O): Now get out, Natalie! Smile, but wish her harm with your eyes. (She glares at Natalie, causing her to almost jump.) NATALIE: Huh, I think I feel a chill. I'll head inside. (She nervously rushes into the apartment as Mallory continues to glare at her in a menacing look. Mallory goes back to normal & turns to Matt.) MALLORY: So sorry about that. (Matt chuckles, brushing off what happened earlier, & then suddenly makes eye contact with Mallory.) MATT: I like your... MALLORY (V/O): Oh my gosh, he can't think of anything to like about me. I'm a hideous monster. I have a snaggletooth & I have female pattern baldness. I can usually cover it with little hats & bonnets, but I forgot them! MATT: -ope! I like Europe... in the spring. MALLORY: Oh, you're kidding! I do too. I lived there for a year actually, & the spring is breathtaking. {Matt starts making weird gestures to himself, unaware that Mallory is still talking.} MALLORY (CON'T): Although, getting overseas is a total nightmare because airport security treats you like you're some sort of terrorist. I mean, I've never killed anyone, have you? {Matt realizes he wasn't paying attention, & an awkward silence breaks out.} MATT: ...Yyeeess... MALLORY: Wow, you're an interesting guy, Matt. MALLORY (V/O): Interesting like a mental illness! (She lets out a yelp when Matt suddenly stares at her.} MALLORY (V/O) (CONT'D): What?! He wants to kiss me right after he admits to being a murderer?! Natalie, come back! I'm sorry about the dirty looks! I was just a kid then. Now I'm all grown up, & I'm about to kiss a serial killer. Who knows where those lips have been?! I can't stop it, it's just happening! Someone save me, please!!! {Matt suddenly collapses. The moment she realizes this, Mallory raises her hands in joy, lets out a faint laugh, & claps her hands before rushing inside.} Cast * Mallory Everton as Herself * Matt Meese as Himself * Natalie Madsen as Herself *Stephen Meek as Himself Notes External Links *Watch Part 1 on YouTube *Watch Part 2 on YouTube *Watch on BYUtv Category:Sketches